In this satirical post, I outline how to be a truly terrible coach, mentor, or advisor—based on an all-too-real experience that left me feeling unheard and overwhelmed. After reflecting on what not to do, I share practical tips and resources for building stronger, more supportive relationships that empower others to succeed.
Today, I had my first official coaching session in a 16-week program designed to support foster-to-adopt placements. I’m participating because I’m a first-time parent and have chosen to adopt a 16-year-old girl who has spent more than half her life in the foster care system. We’ve just come off a rough two weeks—events that most parents I know have never experienced. Needless to say, I’m feeling battered, bruised, and discouraged.
Going into this coaching call, I was hopeful. But within 30 minutes, I found myself in tears. The coach, while probably well-meaning, didn’t listen. Instead, she overwhelmed me with unsolicited advice and ideas. When I finally told her what I needed—to hear that I’m doing okay, that I survived something scary and handled it gracefully—she brushed past it. What I needed was validation and encouragement, but what I got was a flood of “fixes” I didn’t ask for.
This experience hit hard because I co-wrote a book for a client on Coaching for Educational Equity years ago, studied coaching, and even coach others through my business. Yet, after today, I realized how easy it is to fall into these same traps if I’m not profoundly conscious and intentional. So, I wrote this post as satire but also as a reality check—for myself and anyone else who might find themselves on either side of a coaching conversation.
How to Be the Worst Coach, Mentor, or Advisor Ever
Are you aspiring to be the worst coach anyone could ask for? Well, you're in luck! Just follow these foolproof steps to guarantee no one seeks your guidance again!
- Don't Listen—Lecture Instead
Who needs active listening when you can just dump every piece of unorganized, unsolicited knowledge you have onto someone?
When someone says, “I’m feeling overwhelmed,” they really mean, “Please, unload all of your patronizing wisdom and make me feel like I know nothing!”
Pro Tip: If they tell you how something made them feel, don’t believe them. You know better than they do. Heck, gaslight them a little: “Oh, you’re upset? Well, I think you’re just being too sensitive. Maybe this is your fault after all!”
- Offer Unsolicited Advice
No one actually wants to talk about their experiences—they just need your brilliant solutions! Don’t ask questions or try to understand their perspective. Instead, jump right in with some good ol’ advice they didn’t ask for.
Why waste time with empathy when you could be telling them what to do? It’s not like people want to feel heard or understood, right?
- Be Mr./Ms. Fix-It
People are helpless, and thank goodness you’re here to save the day! As soon as they share a problem, start fixing it for them immediately. Don’t bother with guiding or empowering them to find their own solutions. Just assume they can’t handle it without you.
Don’t just give them the fish—throw the entire fish market at them. That’ll teach them to be independent!
- Assume the Worst with A Deficit Mindset
Always assume they are doing everything wrong. Never trust their intentions; they’re probably lazy, irresponsible, or plotting their own demise.
Criticize first, ask questions later (if at all). This deficit mindset will keep you safe from ever having to acknowledge their strengths or potential. And that’s important because compliments are for the weak.
- Offer Zero Encouragement—Only Strength Matters!
Why would anyone need encouragement? Life is tough, and the sooner they learn that the only value is in strength and intelligence, the better. Encouragement is just coddling, and we don’t do that here.
Besides, who needs to acknowledge their hard work or struggles? That’s just pandering to weakness. If they wanted compliments, they’d go to their grandma.
- Maintain the Power Dynamic—After All, You're More Important
Make sure they know you’re above them at all times. Power differentials are there for a reason! When they succeed, remind them that it’s thanks to your superior wisdom. When they fail, subtly point out how it could have been avoided if they’d listened to you more closely.
Why build an equal, respectful relationship when you can enjoy the high throne of ultimate superiority?
Now, Let's Get Real
How to Actually Be a Great Coach, Mentor, or Advisor
In case you're interested in doing a great job instead, here are the real rules of the game.
- Listen First—Speak Second
Real mentorship starts with listening, not lecturing. When someone shares feelings or thoughts, believe them. Their experiences are valid, even if they’re different from your own.
Pro Tip: If they tell you how something made them feel, take the opportunity to explore it. Ask questions like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel this way?” instead of invalidating their emotions.
- Ask Questions Before Offering Advice
Before rushing in with solutions, pause and ask thoughtful questions to understand their perspective. What challenges are they facing? What solutions have they already considered?
Empower them to think critically and devise their own solutions. Your role is to guide, not dictate.
- Encourage Them to Find Their Own Solutions
Your job isn’t to be their personal fixer. Instead, focus on helping them build the skills and confidence they need to handle challenges on their own.
Offer support and suggestions, but trust that they have the ability to solve their own problems. You’re not there to do it for them—you’re there to help them grow. I like to use guided inquiry to ask them questions that guide them towards a solution. This is better learning theory anyways.
- Adopt a Growth Mindset
Assume that the person you’re mentoring is capable, motivated, and has good intentions. Approach every interaction with the mindset that they’re doing their best and want to improve.
Focusing on their potential rather than their perceived deficits will foster a much healthier and more productive relationship.
- Offer Encouragement and Acknowledge Struggles
People thrive on encouragement, especially when they’re going through difficult times. Acknowledging their hard work, struggles, and achievements doesn’t make them weak. In fact, it shows that you recognize their strength in persevering through challenges.
Encouragement isn’t coddling; it’s fuel for growth.
- Foster Equality, Not Power Dynamics
While you may have more experience, the best mentor-mentee relationships are built on mutual respect. Don’t assert dominance—focus on creating a collaborative partnership where both parties learn and grow.
Remember, mentorship isn’t about showing off your superiority; it’s about lifting others up and helping them succeed.
In conclusion, the choice is yours: be the absolute worst mentor ever or take a page from the actually helpful playbook and make a real difference. Choose wisely.
How Can I Help?
If this post resonates with you, and you’re interested in exploring what it takes to be a truly effective coach, mentor, or advisor, I’d love to connect. Whether you’re seeking personalized coaching or want to bring a workshop or training on good coaching practices to your organization, I’m here to help. Let’s work together to create meaningful, supportive relationships that empower others to grow, thrive, and succeed. Reach out, and let’s start the conversation on building more equitable and impactful coaching experiences.
